If I moved anywhere, it would be to Facebook. Imagine being in a world where everyone so publicly shares each insignificant detail of their lives. Furthermore, imagine not having to actually talk to anyone to find out these details.
Sure, there are a few things that would be a little bit different in Facebook, but wherever you go you have to take the good with the bad, right?
No. 1: Writing on the wall. This is a world where everyone carries a permanent marker. The previously pasty white wall in your dorm room now looks like the inside of a bathroom stall. It has been covered by people writing things like, “oh, my, uh-gaw. text me!” The only thing that really tops the “I love you” that your mom wrote for everyone to see is the number of comments written in pencil below the post someone wrote about how much they hate the University of Kansas.
No. 2: Poking war. Everyone has put away their nuclear weapons. There’s a new way to battle differences: the poking war. One of the greatest features of the world of Facebook, the poking war involves little time and effort, but lots of patience. The only bad part, really, is the fact that this war is one that never ends. Each time one side starts to celebrate its victory, they are informed of yet another one of these pokes. “Should we just remove the poke, General?” they ask, but are rallied with a cry of “Poke back!”
No. 3: The friend request. “Would you like to be my friend?” comes a voice from behind you. You turn around and look at him. Do you even know who he is? Then you realize he’s the person you sat next to in seventh grade—the one who smelled a little bit like ketchup and tried to copy off of your papers. You’re not sure whether to tell him “yes” or “no,” so you just keep on walking. However, you see him lingering in the background wherever you are, waiting for a confirmation or denial.
No. 4: Birthdays. Three days before your birthday, the streets are littered with flyers telling everyone your birthday is coming up. On the day of, you receive a box of 3,542 notes telling you “Happy birthday!” The notes are from people you know and people you’ve never spoken to in your life. Do you tell them all thank you? Probably not. The safest thing to do is go to the top of the 77 with a megaphone and shout, “THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR THE BIRTHDAY WISHES.”
No. 5: Relationships. Relationships in Facebook are fairly simple. When you’re in a relationship with someone, you wear a t-shirt that says, “In a relationship with,” followed by a giant, cheaply-printed picture of that person. You must wear the shirt at all times. Understand that your relationship is not official unless you have the shirt on.
No. 6: The cryptic status. If you see someone staring dreamily into the distance and ask them what’s on their mind, be prepared for an answer like, “I’m just so tired… of everything…” or “Sigh” as they add an overdone frown at the end. Don’t bother pressing for more details. Also, be prepared for them to spout off a lyric of a song at you.
No. 7: The “like.” The cryptic status or random conversation is plagued by people passing by yelling “Like!” at random intervals. This can be startling. You’ll get used to it.
No. 8: The celebrity look-alike. For one week (or two, for those who are behind) per year, the world will become extremely confusing when everyone is suddenly a celebrity. You will see 16 Drew Barrymores, 12 Angelina Jolies and 23 comedic Arnold Schwarzeneggers walking the street. When they ask you if you know who they really are, all you can do is nod and say something to the effect of, “Well, of course I do. Yes, you look just like this beautiful, airbrushed celebrity.”
No. 9: Farmville. No one goes hungry in Facebook, because everyone is a farmer. All crops can be grown at all times, and no one goes hungry, ever, because they take three days (at most) to reach maturity.
No. 10: Blocking. Recently offended by someone? In this world, you don’t ever have to work things out. Facebook features a “block” option that allows you to float through that person’s world like a ghost while still talking to everyone else.
No. 11: Suggestions. “Hey, you haven’t talked to her in a while. Why don’t you say hi?” “I think you might know this guy. Maybe you should be his friend.” Never before has there been this nagging voice in the back of your mind. Where did it come from? You don’t want to talk to these people. You just want to know what they’re doing. Even when you dismiss it, though, it’s back two weeks later, saying, “Why don’t you reconnect with her?”
No. 12: Groups. It’s a good thing crops in Facebook are so easy to harvest, because no one would have time for a full-time job when they’re part of at least 50 groups.
No. 13: Self-promotion. Sitting in the cafeteria, be prepared for someone to stand up and start yelling, “Well, I don’t usually do this, but I thought everyone would want to know these 25 obscure facts about me. I don’t like onions. I drive too fast. When I was five, I threw a flower pot at my sister’s head.” You will learn about people’s hernias, diseases, love interests and who is an early bird. You will learn who wants children, how many children they want and whether they will spank them as punishment. You will learn about birthmarks, tattoos and who should be listening in class, but is instead telling everyone everything they don’t want to know.
Okay, so maybe it would be hard for to get anything done living in Facebook. You’d have to be really discipl—Oops. Excuse me. I have a group meeting to attend.