By Taylor Finke
The notorious spring movie season continues with the release of ‘G.I. Joe: Retaliation’. It is the sequel to 2009’s ‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’, and has at least one thing in common with it: both are completely forgettable.
I was completely underwhelmed by the ridiculous premise of ‘Retaliation’. The plot is that the President of the United States has been replaced by a master of disguise from Cobra, which is some sort of terrorist organization that keeps trying to take over the world (I assume that’s what happened in the first movie, like I said it was utterly unmemorable). Like a stale retelling of ‘Mission Impossible’, the Joes are accused of killing the Pakistani president and are annihilated in a sudden aerial attack. Surprisingly, Duke (Channing Tatum) is killed off in the first 10 minutes, and the main character becomes Roadblock (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson).
The Cobra Commander is busted out of the prison (so deep underground it has to be cooled or it will turn into a firey deathtrap) by his ninja buddy Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee). Then, plans are set into motion that involves tricking all the leaders of the world into destroying their nuclear weapons and then destroying London with one of Cobra’s own weapons. The Joes must then try to disarm Cobra’s other weapons before they destroy the world.
The movie then trapezes from lame dialogue to violent fight to explosions to more fighting to more cheesy lines. The jokes all seemed to fall flat, and the only action was all brawny, fighting stuff. The Rock does what he does best; muscly action hero, but he really wasn’t interesting enough to be the focus of the movie. The only part of the movie that really had neat choreography was when Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and Jinx (Elodie Yung) have some ninja shenanigans, notably on the side of a mountain.
Bruce Willis makes an appearance as Joe, the namesake of the Joes and a gun-hoarding retiree. However, even his role doesn’t save this movie from absolute stupidity; as with most movies he plays in now, there are tons of ‘I’m getting too old for this’ kinds of jokes on his part.
This is the first movie in a long time that I can say bored me beyond belief in the first half. I wasn’t expecting anything too clever, but this movie seriously falls short on anything even remotely interesting. Basically, use the money you would’ve spend on this movie to go buy some Joe action figures. More than likely, you’ll end up having a whole lot more fun than you would seeing ‘Retaliation’.
Taylor Finke is a freshman. You may email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.