It’s Valentine’s Day and you’re having a nice dinner with that special someone. They’ve just opened a gift from you, a bracelet or maybe a watch. You watch their reaction closely, hoping you picked out the perfect gift. They take a breath, preparing to speak and you expect to hear their appreciation for you and your affection.
Instead, you hear those five fateful words.
“I want to break up.”
Now, imagine that today is also your birthday.
It seems like a horrible way to get dumped, but years down the road imagine the laughs you’ll have with your friends over how silly and juvenile it all was– never mind that a few hours later it will leave you alone, crying into your beer.
In case you haven’t noticed, Valentine’s Day is only a few short weeks away. Some of you may have suffered through the holidays, shelled out big bucks on a new iPod to give your significant other and then realized that you don’t want to be with this person anymore. Don’t worry, there is still time to cut your losses before you have to sign your name on another Hallmark card.
If you can’t handle conducting the break-up in person, do not reach for your cell phone. Breaking up over text is so cliché. Facebook is a significant part of many of our lives and we all know that a relationship is not official until it is “Facebook Official”. In fact, one time I had a guy ask me out not by speaking to me in person but by simply adding it to Facebook. Why not apply this same kind of logic in revers?
Just change your status on Facebook to single and then block the dumped from your news feed so you don’t have to read all of their pathetic statuses. Bonus points if you are immediately in a “Facebook Official” relationship with someone new.
Maybe you’re more comfortable being the dumped. Getting someone to break-up with you should be easy. Text your honey every few minutes just to “check-in”. If something annoys them, do it. Tell them you forbid them to talk to members of the opposite sex. Stop taking care of yourself. Don’t shower and don’t wear clean clothes. Let the dirty dishes stack up in your sink. This strategy requires commitment. Make sure to start small and leave yourself room to build. You’ll be single in no time.
If the person you’re breaking up with thinks too highly of themselves and they need to be knocked down to size, one of these may work well for you. Tell your girlfriend she’s gotten too fat. Tell your boyfriend you’re leaving him for his best friend who has a bigger you-know-what (I’m talking about a bank account, of course). You may hesitate to use this technique because this person is going to feel pretty badly about his or herself. The key to not completely destroying their self esteem is to make sure you tell them you want to stay friends. Who doesn’t want more friends, right?
Lea Shores is a senior majoring in English. You may e-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.