As a burrito you live in a mini-fridge hibernating while your beans soak into your supple tortilla shell. One snowy afternoon a light emerges into your world. A hand—it grabs you, unfolds your tin foil and places you upon a plate. Suddenly you are in a death cabin with the explosive remains of spaghetti and burnt cheesy bits plastered on the walls. Claustrophobia suffocates your air way, for it is too late. The hand extends its index finger and with the vicious push upon the “quick minute” button, your doom has been sealed.
One poor burrito’s fate is another person’s topic of interest. Some say it is the greatest invention of all time. The microwave oven has been serving famished college students for decades. While this radio-active box has been the means of our survival, we have forgotten to pay tribute to it. Well I say no more will my microwave just be stooped upon my counter top, sulking in lack of appreciation. And what better way to do so than taking a look back in time, to see just how the microwave has helped us all through life?
Do you remember what you used to cook your first food item? Perhaps it was with an Easy-Bake Oven, or perhaps it was a microwave, one that didn’t have a fancy rotating plate. It’s fascinating how no matter if you are intelligent or somewhat unintelligent we all use a microwave oven on a daily basis. Really microwaves are what unite us and remind us that we are all just hungry and slightly lazy.
Now, answer me this, how long does it take for the average bear to cook Easy-Mac? Well of course the answer is three and a half minutes, with a pause to stir in the “made with real cheese,” cheese powder and then another 30 seconds to finish it off. Now, how long does it take to make the old and decrypted version of Mac n’ Cheese? Well enough time for you to throw the pot on the ground and yell obscenities at it for being incredibly inconvenient. We got things to do stove top, we can’t just dilly daddel around all day waiting for your water to boil. I wonder if the stove top realizes that it’s cousin, the hip microwave, has one upped him about a million times over.
Thanks microwave oven, for not only have you warmed up my food in a zippy and efficient way, but you have also been there in my moments of impatient desperation. If it is 2 o’clock and I am feeling a grumble in my belly I know you will warm me up something to satisfy my needs. Or when it’s chilly outside and you know I have just come in out of the cold, you happily heat up a nice hot cup of Joe. You are so kind.
You have taught me so much. Not only will two minutes in your oven create a perfectly warmed item no matter the substance, but you have also taught me that nuking my socks for over 15 seconds is a great way to start a fire. Thank you.
Another lesson of life that you have granted me with, is to be modest. Although you have many talents, one thing that is not your strength is making food crispy. You suck the moisture out of every item. You do not do this on purpose, I do not blame you, it is just how the world has created you. But at least when I forget about Fourth of July you happily step in with some tin foil in your compartment to put on a truly dazzling show.
But, how may I show my appreciation for such a loyal machine? Well, I could buy you a nice bouquet of flowers, or take you out to the movies, although people might stare. Oh, how about a nice sponge bath.
What a grand idea! Because you and I both know it takes about six months of residue build up and my roommate buying me a plastic plate cover for me to get the hint, that you, the microwave, might need a good scrub down. If anyone deserves a quality sponge bath it’s you.
Maybe once you see my appreciation for you, you won’t burn my popcorn in 30 seconds time. Don’t worry it’s not your fault you burned it, I see now that you were sending me waves of a different kind. Waves that read, “I need your tender love and care.” Yet I have developed a tunnel vision for my own needs and have forgotten who has seen me through all those tough times at Southwestern. It’s you microwave, you. (Yes, mom, dad, grandma and grandpa you’re great too.) But you microwave have supplied me with one thing that is constant, and should never be taken for granted, a warm meal.