By Paige Carswell
Hatred happens at approximately 3 a.m. on the coldest night of the year, every single year.
Forty freshman girls file out of Cole Hall, first groggy, then confused and finally pissed off. Someone burnt the popcorn again, causing the fire alarms to go off, and interrupting the sleep that’s much-needed after a night of hard partying studying.
After cursing the person and then wondering why the fire alarms have to have such damn sensitive sniffers, everyone returns to their once-peaceful slumber—until it happens again a few weeks later.
It doesn’t make sense. We can clone a sheep, put a man on the moon, and make pest-resistant cotton, but no one has even considered making products that would be useful to 99 percent of the world. Science has failed us all, churning out salmon that grow at the rate of Robin Williams in “Jack,” but not giving us anything to make our disgusting eating habits easier. If scientists can make fish that are so bright you could start a rave party with them, then surely my wants needs aren’t that difficult to make.
I want Willy Wonka’s pop that stays fizzy forever, without the annoying floating side effects. I want rain in the form of cupcakes. At the very least, I’d like bread that won’t turn stale after an hour without being weighed down by preservatives.
So, here’s a list, you so-called scientists, full of things that, somehow, you have overlooked in your seemingly inherent need to destroy everything beautiful and pure.
1. Cupcake rain. Going through my long-lost facebook groups the other day, I realized that I’m still part of one called “Use Science to Turn Rain Into Cupcakes.” The group sees a perfect world in the future—one with cupcakes of all kinds falling from the sky thanks to what has been dubbed “rain cupification.” I don’t think the cupification itself will be as difficult as the regional varieties of cupcakes. I’m thinking sprinkles on both coasts, lemon frosting in the north, chocolate frosting in the middle and those really cool green ones in the south.
2. Edible candles. I realize that edible candles are indeed sold online for ridiculous prices and come in three whole flavors. That’s not what I want. I want every candle to be edible. I want to walk into the Yankee Candle Store and, when the aromas hit my nose, realize that I don’t have to pick between lunch and a 10-ounce container of pumpkin spice deliciousness. If this happens, perhaps we should rethink all of the tree and fresh laundry smells.
3. Always-fizzy soda. If you’ve seen “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” you already know what I mean. If you haven’t, then shame on you.
4. Vegetables that taste like chocolate. “Paige, you look wonderful! Have you lost weight on purpose, or did you just go through a breakup?”
“As a matter of fact, it was a breakup. I can’t tell you how many nights I spent in front of the television, watching romantic comedies while stuffing my face with chocolate-flavored broccoli.”
5. Zero-calorie soda that actually tastes good. Stop saying what we have now tastes like the real thing. Not only are you lying to me—you’re lying to yourself.
That’s it. Those things are all I want. Those things would make the human race better, or at least, happier. If I have to, I’ll make a petition for these things to come true.
Eh. Maybe I’ll just make a facebook petition, instead.
Paige Carswell is a senior majoring in convergent journalism. You may e-mail her at email@example.com.